Gmailgate: When the NZ Media Discover a Scandal and It Turns Out to Be a Printer

The Saturday Satire

Signalgate was a masterclass in digital recklessness. Trump officials coordinated airstrikes in Yemen via a Signal group chat – a private app never approved for classified government use. No security labels. No audit trail. A CIA operative was named. Missile launch times shared. A high-profile journalist was accidentally added. The chat leaked. Hearings began. A National Security Adviser exited his role.

But all a bit complicated, really.

Thankfully, the New Zealand media has found a scandal it can follow. Breathlessly. A minister. An email. A printer.

Education Minister Erica Stanford has been caught in an act of reckless endangerment: forwarding ministerial documents to her personal Gmail. To print them. One of her emails was even flagged by Parliament’s server as “suspect sender.”

It appears Stanford’s electorate printer hadn’t been networked at the time. She used Gmail to print briefings while travelling. She’s since redirected everything through official channels and set up an auto-reply. Her real mistake? Forgetting that the story isn’t what happened – it’s how easy it is to write up.

The contents? A pre-Budget media release. A fact sheet. Some curriculum notes. One email even involved a senior fellow at The New Zealand Initiative. There was discussion – brace yourself – of phonics.

1News broke the “news”. RNZ confirmed the breach. The Herald hyperventilated. Opposition MPs warned of hostile actors. Legal experts muttered about encryption.

One political analyst even warned the minister had “gone off the grid”—as if forwarding a press release to Gmail for printing were a Jason Bourne manoeuvre. He then proposed an inquiry, full ministerial audits, Cabinet Manual reform, and annual training. All triggered by the unauthorised reproduction of a press release.

Afterall, imagine if China had intercepted our long-vowel strategy. The five-year-olds of Shanghai might be conjugating verbs before ours can spell “cat.”

Meanwhile, as New Zealand melted down over a printer, it emerged that U.S. Defence Secretary Pete Hegseth had used at least a dozen private Signal chats to run the Pentagon – including one where he shared airstrike details with his wife, brother, and lawyer.

But don’t worry – New Zealand has its own scandal. With toner.

Labour leader Chris Hipkins, responsible for the last update of the Cabinet Manual, declared Stanford’s actions had “absolutely no justification.” He then quietly admitted to doing the same while PM – but that was in the technological dark ages, when printers had cords.

Prime Minister Luxon, fatally unconcerned, said: “I’m very relaxed about it.” The media’s considered verdict? Wrong tone. Wrong priority. Wrong job? The Cabinet Manual discourages personal email “unless unavoidable.” Printing without a printer might qualify. But nuance doesn’t fit in a headline.

No secrets lost. No records evaded. Most of the emails had already been released under the OIA. But nuance was never the point.

When the New Zealand media reacts to a minister printing curriculum notes as if she’s leaked defence plans to Beijing, the real crisis isn’t Gmail.

It’s journalistic.